Where The Sidewalk Ends
by Paily101
Summary: Paige McCullers is a girl stuck in a world between who she is and who she can never be. Through many obstacles, she figures out how to be true to herself and to others. Along the way she finds courage, strength, and of course, Emily Fields.
1. Chapter 1

She was everything you could ever want in a woman. She had that kind of hair that was just naturally gorgeous, bronze skin that reflected perfectly in the sunlight, a smile that could make you lose your train of thought, and a killer body that would make even a blind man look twice. Not to mention her 'girl next door' personality. Sweet and wholesome, yet so brave and strong. And her voice...God, her voice. It's like those tapes you listen to when you're stressed out and need some relaxation. I could listen to her speak for years and never get annoyed or bored. She is the true definition of beauty inside and out. She is the kind of girl that all the guys want, and all the girls want to be. She is so genuine, so loveable, so adorable, so...perfect. Yes, Emily Fields is the perfect woman. And I, Paige McCullers, am far from perfect.

**Whistle blows**

"McCullers! What are you doing out there! Did you forget that we're the Rosewood Sharks? You're swimming like my four-year-old niece..."

Shit. Why does Emily Fields have to be on this swim team? It's bad enough that I am constantly thinking about her everywhere else, but having to actually see her in the one place where I can finally escape from it all and just do what I do best is too much. "Sorry coach. I got a little...distracted."

"Well, make sure it doesn't happen again. We have our swim meet in a week and we need to stay focused if we want to keep our winning streak. You're one of our best swimmers Paige. Your team is counting on you."

"I just lost focus for a little bit, but it won't happen again. I promise. Consider me 100% shark!"

"Good. That's what I like to hear."

As coach is walking away, I notice someone out of the corner of my eye walking towards me. I look over to see who it is, and notice that it's none other than Emily Fields. The way she walks in that swimsuit is almost surreal. Suddenly, everything else was blurry and all I could see was her. It was like those movie scenes where the hot babe is walking down the hall in slow motion with the wind blowing in her hair. I was stuck in a movie, and it was starring Emily Fields. I snap out of it and realize that my intentional glance has turned into a full on stare. I quickly look away, hoping she didn't notice.

"Hey, Paige!"

"What do you want Fields."

"I just wanted to see what's up with you. You seemed a little out of it today."

"Yeah? Well it's none of your business."

"Well, your swimming affects this whole team, so if something is making you off your game then it's the whole team's business. Look, I'm just trying to help."

"I just checked out for a few minutes, but I'm back. You, however, checked out for a few months. Let's not forget who's been the one holding this team together during your absence. You want to help? Then stay out of my way and let someone who actually cares about this team worry about this team." Seeing the hurt in her eyes was killing me, but I had to keep my poker face.

"You may have been the one holding the team together while I was gone, but I'm back now, more focused than ever. Let's not forget who coach picked for anchor next week, Paige."

Before I even got the chance to respond, she turned and walked away. I let out a breath that I didn't even realize I was holding in as I watched her walk towards a few of the other girls. That was close.

I hate being harsh, but I can't let her see how I really feel about her. There was a point where she really did make my blood boil though. When I saw her with Maya, it disgusted me. I hated her, and I hated seeing her with Maya. I eventually realized that the reason I hated her so much was not because of who she was, but because of who I was. I was just like her. What she had with Maya was so tender and passionate. It was different than seeing a guy and a girl together. It was something I wanted. It was something I had wanted my whole life, but never had the courage to admit it to myself. I wanted to be with a woman. And I hated it.

I still hate it, but I know now that there's nothing I can do about it, except hide it. Yes, I love Emily, but I can't ever be with her. I can't ever be with any woman. There's no way. If my parents ever found out, they would disown me for sure. Not to mention everyone at school. What would people think of me? I can't go through that humiliation. People would never look at me the same way ever again. So, instead I just dream about being with Emily. Being gay is something that belongs in the dream world, not the real world. I can be whoever I want there, but not here. Here, I am the Paige McCullers that loves to swim, win, and most certainly, loves boys.


	2. Chapter 2

There's never a Sunday where my family misses church. The only reason to miss it is if one of us is dying...and even then, everyone still goes. But, I guess that's expected when your dad is one of the church deacons. I never pay attention during the service though. I used to when I was little. I was so enthusiastic about going that I would lay out my clothes the night before. It was almost like it was the first day of school. Of course, that was back when I didn't have my own opinions. Everything I did was because my parents did it. My whole life was based on what my parents did or thought. I never had to think for myself.

Everything is different now. Now, I hate going to church. I feel like such a hypocrite. I feel like I'm being judged and mocked in a place that used to be my safe haven. Everything the pastor says feels like a contradiction to what I'm feeling. It feels like a contradiction to my life. How can it be so wrong to be gay, yet actually be gay? It just didn't make sense anymore. None of it did. I dread Sundays now. Even though I only have to be here for a few hours, it's the last place on Earth I'd rather be. I don't even listen to the services anymore. Instead, I enter my dream world and think about how much I wish life could be so much easier.

I come back to reality as I hear the pastor speak louder than before.

"...and with that being said, let us bow our heads and thank the Lord for everything he has given us as we leave this church of God and enter the world of many obstacles..."

This means that it's the last prayer of the service and then we can get the hell out of here. Finally.

After what seems like hours of my dad talking to everyone, like he usually does after every church service, we finally get in the car to head home.

"Paige, do you know Randall Meyers?"

"Yeah mom, he goes to our church. Why?"

"Well, his mother told me today that he thinks you're pretty cute and would like to ask you out. What do you think?"

Even if I did like guys, I would never want to date one from my church. Let alone one who had to have his _mother _ask me out for him. "I don't think it's such a good idea mom."

"Why not? He's good-looking, smart, only a year older than you. He's a catch. I think you should at least give it a shot."

Was my mom really trying to hook me up with a guy? I thought that was only something moms do in movies and television shows. Does she suspect anything? What if she knows? Oh God, what if she has already told everyone that her daughter might be gay? I mean, I've never had a boyfriend, so it's not like it would be completely ludicrous to think that I was gay. I mean...I am gay. Mom's know best, right? She must know. She can tell when I'm lying or having a bad day, so she must be able to tell if I'm gay, right?

"Honey? Are you listening to me? You haven't answered my question..."

Crap. I completely tuned her out. "Sorry mom, what was the question again?"

"I said, so what do you think about Randall?"

I couldn't really think of anything to say other than the truth. Randall was, in theory, the perfect boyfriend. I started to panic. The only thing I could think of to say was _because I'm gay, _but we all know how that would play out. I saw her start to open her mouth and say something else when my dad, thankfully, beat her to it.

"Paige, don't let your mom convince you. You shouldn't be thinking about boys right now. It's swimming season and you need to be focused on swimming, not boys. There's plenty of time for that later."

I let out a sigh of relief. "Don't worry dad. I'm not really thinking about boys right now anyways." I was glad that I was able to actually say something that was honest. I hate lying to my parents. I always feel guilty.

My parents kept talking about random things the rest of the way home, but all I could think about was Emily. Once again, I slipped into my dream world, and was able to get away from everything for a little bit.

* * *

Mondays were always the same. I never looked forward to going back to school, but what high-schooler did? The only thing I did look forward to were swim practices, and Mondays always felt good getting back in the water after the weekend off. Plus, it was the one time I actually got to see Emily, since she wasn't in any of my classes. It was a bittersweet feeling though. I loved getting to see her in person instead of just in my dreams, but at the same time I hated seeing her because she was so distracting. I can't afford be distracted now. I need to focus on beating her. She is my crush, but right now she's also my enemy. I can't let her be better than me. I need to up my game if I want to be the number one shark on this team, and in order to do that, I need to change my way of thinking. The dream Emily is the only Emily worth thinking about, but the real Emily is my enemy. It shouldn't be too hard to convince myself to hate Emily, right?

My thoughts are interrupted by the sound of the bell ringing. Finally, it's time for lunch, my favorite part of the day. I always sit with my best friend, Pru. We met on the first day of swim practice. She said she liked my determination and my competitiveness, and we've been best friends ever since.

"So, I've got a proposition for you." She says as we're sitting down at the lunch table.

"Okay, shoot."

"Sean Ackard."

I wait for her to finish, but quickly realize that she's waiting for my response. "Okay. So, what exactly is the proposition?"

"You and Sean Ackard." She has a grin on her face like a child that just got away with stealing all of the cookies from the cookie jar.

"I'm a little lost. What about Sean and me? I've never talked to him before..."

"Well, I heard that he wants to."

What is it with everyone suddenly being interested in my love life? Does my face scream 'desperate to get laid' or something? "Why does he want to talk to me now? He never has before, and he doesn't seem like the kind of guy that would be scared to talk to a girl. I mean, he dated Hanna Marin. Shy guys don't exactly date girl like Hanna Marin."

I look at her face and notice that she's trying to think of something to say next. She struggles for a few minutes, then finally she says,

"Okay fine. Sean didn't say he wants to talk to you, but I've been dying to talk to Danny."

Once again, I wait for her to continue, but she just stares at me like I'm supposed to understand her previous statement. I wait a few more seconds, and realize she's not going to say anything else any time soon. Do I have to do everything myself? "Okay, so, what does that have to do with Sean? I still don't get it..."

"Well, Danny just broke up with his girlfriend a few months ago. I heard that Danielle tried to ask him to go see a movie with her a few weeks ago, but he said that he didn't want to go on a date unless it was a double date with Sean. I figured, Sean would need a date, and I just so happen to have a very cute, very _single _best friend who loves me enough to say yes to a double date!"

She looks at me with a pouty face, but Paige McCullers doesn't fall for that nonsense. "Well, I do love you, but I'm going to have to say no. I need to be thinking about swimming right now and I don't need any distractions." I see her looking at me trying to persuade me some more, but I continue, "Besides, my dad said yesterday that he doesn't want me dating right now and swimming should be my main goal. Even if I said yes to your 'proposition', my dad would say no." She looks at me with squinty eyes trying to read my face and eventually says,

"Fine. I'll just be lonely and without a boyfriend for the rest of my life. Maybe I'll be a cat lady. Who knows..."

"That's the spirit!" I slapped her should and then we both started laughing. We continued to eat lunch and talk about the swim team until the bell rang, signaling that it was time to continue the rest of my day. Only three more classes left and then it will finally be time for swim practice, where I would get to see my new enemy, Emily Fields.


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's Note: Hey everyone! I just wanted to let you all know that this chapter is based on episodes 15 and 16 of season one. I thought it would be a cool idea to show what was going through Paige's mind during these scenes. Please let me know what you think!**

* * *

I was in the locker room getting ready to leave after swim practice when I saw Emily walking towards her locker. Her hair was completely soaked and she had just changed into her simple gray v-neck and blue jeans. Even with her hair all wet and unbrushed, it still looked good. _Remember Paige, she's your enemy, not your friend. She might be gorgeous on the outside, but it's just a disguise; a distraction. She wants to be number one, and don't let her have it. Don't let her win. Don't be a loser. _It was easier for me to think of her as an obstacle in my way, since winning is everything to me. I never let obstacles get in my my way. Ever. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and let all negative thoughts of Emily Fields wash over me. I looked at her one more time and groaned. _Emily Fields...what a bitch._ I grabbed my bag and started to head out, when I had an idea.

_If I'm going to win, I need to have all of the advantages I can get. What better way to get her off her game than to get inside her head? _I tried to think of how I could get her to lose focus. So, I began to think what would make me lose focus, and it hit me._  
_

A smirk formed on my face and I began to walk towards her. It was go time. I stopped at her locker and tapped her shoulder. She looked up at me with a smile, and then quickly frowned when she realized that it was me.

"Great job today at practice" I said with a fake smile. She looked at me a little confused. I guess she was trying to figure out whether or not I was being sincere. She should know better by now.

"Uh, thanks." She said hesitantly, and then continued grabbing her stuff from her locker to put into her bag.

"Although, I would be a bit more careful if I were you. Wondering eyes can make people feel a little..._uncomfortable, _if you know what I mean." My smirk formed again.

She looked up at me with fire in her eyes. At this point, she knew exactly what my intentions were.

"And what is that supposed to mean Paige?"

"It means we all know what team you really play for. I've seen you checking out some of the girls on this team, and apparently I'm not the only one. Some of the girls have said that they've noticed and they're starting to feel uncomfortable around you."

She looked at me with a focused face, not letting a single crack show. This girl was tough.

"Well, _Paige, _if they feel so uncomfortable around me then why hasn't anyone else said anything to me?"

She had a point. All of the other girls had always been so nice to her. Maybe I should have thought this through a little more. I look around and responded as quickly as I could.

"I don't know. Maybe they were afraid of talking to you alone and ending up in a spontaneous lip-lock." She looked at me and I could tell that she wasn't buying any of this. I had to crack her. I had to bring her down. So I continued. "Honestly, I don't even know why they let you in this locker room. It's not fair to us _normal _girls. It's like having a boy in here watching us change. I feel violated every time I have to get naked around you. They really should have three separate locker rooms. One for boys, one for girls, and one labeled 'freaks' for people like you."

I saw the fire in her eyes burning brighter now. Finally, I had gotten to her. We stared at each other for a little bit longer as I waited for her response. I thought she was going to blow up, but instead, she relaxed. The fire in her eyes was gone and suddenly my face went from confident to confused. She laughed under her breath as she turned to zip up her bag. Then she threw it over her shoulder as she started to walk away. Was this it? Was she done? How could she write me off that fast? I was about to say something else, but then she turned and looked into my eyes with a smile on her face.

"Paige, I don't know what I've ever done to you to make you hate me so much. In fact, I _know_ I've never done anything to you. The only thing I've done is beat you in practices. So, maybe that's what this is all about? Maybe you're angry with me because I've been swimming a little bit better than you? If that's the case, then you know what Paige? You need to suck it up." The smile vanished from her face. "If you want to beat me, work harder." She slammed her locker door, looked at me one more time, and then walked out of the locker room.

I stared at the door for a few seconds replaying what had just happened in my head. Did she really just say that she's a better swimmer than me? Did she really just tell me to 'suck it up' as if I were a baby crying because I didn't get my way? Oh hell no. Nobody talks to me like that unless they have a death wish. Emily Fields, you have no idea what you've just gotten yourself into.

* * *

The next day I had gotten a message to meet Coach Fulton in the locker room after school. I heard the bell ring and gathered my things to see what Coach wanted. As I was walking towards the locker room, I couldn't decide whether to be nervous or not. She had been blunt and had given no indication as to whether this was about something good or bad. It couldn't be anything bad though, right? I was the best swimmer on the team.

I pushed open the door and entered the locker room. I saw Coach Fulton standing there and she immediately looked up at me.

"You wanted to see me coach?" I said with a smile. I walked further into the room and saw Emily standing there. She looked at me a little confused, and my smile dropped. What was she doing here? I knew right then and there that this wasn't about something good. It couldn't be if Emily was there.

"Have a seat girls."

We looked at each other, and then slowly sat down, making sure that there was at least three feet of space between us. I had no idea what this what this was about, and it looked like she didn't know either. Coach sat down on the bench across from us and clasped her hands. She just looked at us as if she weren't sure exactly what to say. Finally, she spoke.

"It has come to my attention that there has been an incident involving a homophobic comment."

My heart started racing and my eyes widened. That bitch. She squealed. She fucking squealed. She calls me a baby, and then rats me out to coach? I'm going to kill her.

Coach Fulton continued to speak. "Now, we have a zero tolerance policy..." I was waiting for her to give me detention, or worse, cut me from the team, when Emily cut her off.

"Coach Fulton, I don't know what you heard, but whatever happened between us is over now."

Coach looked at me and studied my face. She must have seen the panic in my eyes. Then she turned to Emily.

"Emily, if something happened then we need to discuss it."

Emily looked at me for a second, and then turned back to Coach. "Really coach, it's fine. Nothing happened. It was all just a big misunderstanding."

The coach looked at both of us and I slightly nodded. That was all I could do. I felt like I was having a heart attack. She looked at us some more, and then sighed and finally said,

"Alright. Well in that case, you can go Paige."

I darted out of there as fast as I could. I can't believe she did that. What was her plan? Was she trying to get my spot? If she wanted me off the team, then she would have told Coach right then and there what had happened. So why did she save me? What was her angle? Maybe she was just trying to scare me. Yeah, that must be it. She was trying to get inside my head just like I did to her earlier. Well, there's no way she's getting away with it. I'm the anchor of this team, and there's no way she's taking that away from me. Not now, not ever.

I tried to think about anything else during my walk home. I wasn't going to let her get to me. I wasn't going to let her win. I was the best swimmer on this team, and I had to stay focused if I wanted to keep it that way.

* * *

After dinner, I went upstairs to do my homework, like I usually do. I opened my laptop and went onto the school's homepage to check the lineup for the meet this week. Coach usually puts it up a few days before the meet, so it should be up by now. Of course, I already knew that I was anchor, but I was curious to see the rest of the lineup. I clicked on the link, and my heart stopped.

"No...there's no way."

I was no longer the anchor. Emily was. This couldn't be right. There must have been a mistake. She couldn't have replaced _me _with Emily Fields. Emily fucking Fields! I slammed my laptop shut and ran over to grab a pillow. I buried my face into it and screamed at the top of my lungs. This isn't happening. This can't be happening. I won't let it happen. Emily was going to get what she deserved.

* * *

I went to school early the next morning so that I could go to the pool before class. I knew Emily would be there swimming. She must have seen the lineup. She was probably the one who asked for it. I walked into the pool area and saw her swimming in one of the lanes, just as I had expected. She started to swim towards me, so I crouched along the edge waiting for her to approach. She still hadn't seen me yet. I was so angry, I couldn't stand it. I hated this girl so much. I truly hated her. She grabbed the wall to come up for air. Just has she had gotten her head above the water, I grabbed her head with one hand and pushed her back down into the water as hard as I could. I saw her struggling to come back up for air, so I let her come up for a quick second before dunking her back down. I held her under the water for a few more seconds before I let her go. She came up gasping for air as she ripped her goggles off and looked at me.

"What the hell!" She looked confused, angry, and frightened all at the same.

"I know what you're doing. I saw the lineup. Coached replaced me as the relay anchor with _you._" Even just saying that made me want to punch her in the face.

"Then go and talk to coach!"

"What, like you did? I may be lots of things Emily, but at least I'm not a tattletale. I would never rat out a teammate because my feelings were hurt. I take care of things myself." As I said that, I looked into her eyes to make sure she understood that messing with me was a big mistake. Then I got up and walked away. I was still angry, but she had a point. Talking to Coach was the only way to get my spot back.

I headed towards her office and knocked on her door.

"Come in!"

I opened the door and saw her typing on her computer. The typing stopped as she looked up at me.

"Ah, Paige. I've been expecting you. Please, have a seat."

I sat down and looked at her trying to decide what to say. I knew that if I said what I really wanted to, then I would get kicked off of the team for sure. Thankfully, she spoke first.

"I assume you've seen the lineup."

"Yes Coach, I have. I don't think it's fair that you replaced me last minute with Emily. The meet is tomorrow."

"Yes Paige, I am well aware that the meet is tomorrow, but this school has a zero tolerance for bullying. I happen to think that letting you go unpunished would be truly unfair."

"But Emily said there was nothing to talk about. I didn't do anything wrong."

She looked at me for a few seconds, almost as if she was disappointed. Then the spoke again.

"I'll tell you what, how about later today at the end of practice you and Emily can have a swim off. Whoever wins gets to anchor tomorrow. Sound fair?"

That was good enough for me. I could beat Emily, easy. She's probably still trying to compose herself from what happened earlier anyways. She doesn't stand a chance.

"Yes Coach. That sounds fair to me. Thank you."

* * *

Practice was the same as it always was, but a little bit more intense with the swim meet being tomorrow. Everyone was really focused, which is the type of environment we need if we're going to win. After about two hours, practice was coming to an end. I was in the process of getting out of the pool to take a quick breather, when all of a sudden I heard the whistle blow.

"Alright Sharks, listen up. As we all know, tomorrow is our swim meet. Everyone did really well today, and I'm really proud of you girls. Now, we all know that Paige has been number one on this team for the past few months, but I think that with Emily being back and kicking butt, it's no secret that Paige is no longer our best swimmer."

Was she trying to piss me off?

"Now, both of these girls are fantastic swimmers, but only one can anchor tomorrow. What better way to find out who that will be other than a good old fashioned swim off?"

I heard everyone start to cheer and clap, and then the coach continued,

"So, Paige, Emily...let's see what you got girls."

We headed out towards the starting blocks. I avoided looking at Emily so that I could get my head in the game.

"Alright girls. Step up, take your marks."

We adjusted our goggles and stepped up to take our positions. I looked at nothing but my lane. I couldn't get distracted. I had to stay completely focused and keep my tunnel vision. I had to win.

"Ready, set..."

**Whistle blows**

I jumped in the water and swam as fast as I could. There was no way in hell I'd let Emily beat me. I could hear my teammates yelling, but I couldn't understand what they were saying. It was probably better that way anyways. I had to stay focused on swimming. I got to the wall and turned around. I heard Emily turn just a second before me. I had to swim faster. We were getting closer to the yelling and I knew that it was almost over. I saw that Emily was just a few inches ahead of me, and I began to feel the anger inside of me. She can't win. Not at something as important as this. I had to win. I felt the desire and the need wash over me and I pushed even harder. I saw the wall getting closer and closer. I reached my hand out to touch the wall, and the cheering got even louder. Does that mean I won? Everyone got louder the second I touched the wall. I must have won. We both got out of the pool and waited to hear the results. Patience wasn't exactly my thing.

Only thirty seconds had passed, but it felt more like thirty years. The suspense was killing me. I couldn't take it anymore. I almost blurted out _hurry up already! _when the coach finally said,

"Alright girls. It looks like we have a tie."

I physically felt my heart sink in my chest. A tie? A freaking _tie? _Everyone thinks a tie is better than losing, but it's not. A tie still isn't winning. I stood there dumbfounded while everyone started heading towards the locker room. No. It can't be a tie. There must be a winner.

Once I had the ability to move again, I quickly walked up to the coach trying to calm myself down, but who was I kidding. I was pissed. "Coach!" My voice came out a little louder than I had intended. I saw her jump and turn around with a confused look on her face.

"Is something wrong Paige?"

_Yes something is wrong. I clearly won that damn race and you have the audacity to call it a fucking tie._

"Yes...I mean, no. Nothing is wrong. I mean, I just...wanted to know if you're sure that it was a tie. I mean, was there anyone else keeping watch? Was anyone else keeping time?"

She gave me a stern look for a few seconds and began to speak. "Paige, it was a tie. You and Emily tied."

My face dropped and I heard someone begin to chime in. Emily.

"So, what happens now?" I turned around and saw her standing behind me. She obviously had been listening to our conversation.

"We'll have another swim off tomorrow morning. We're done for today." Then the coach turned and walked away. I was so angry. I needed to win, and I needed to win now. I needed to know that I was the anchor for tomorrow's meet. How was I supposed to sleep tonight knowing that Emily's name was still on that list unchanged? I had to get out of here. I had to go home before I completely lost it in a public place. I began to walk away when Emily began to say something.

"So, I guess we'll figure this out tomorrow then."

I turned around and looked at her. I couldn't believe she dared to even speak to me. Especially after what she knew I was capable of. I was too angry and annoyed to have a long conversation with her. So, I just simply said, "you figure it out. I need to win."

I didn't even bother to wait for a response. I just turned around and headed straight for the locker room. I quickly changed into my clothes without saying a word to anyone else, and ran all the way home. Running always made me feel better.

As soon as I got home, I went straight up to me room and got in my bed. I pulled the covers over my face and began to cry. I didn't want to talk to anyone. I didn't want to see anyone. I just wanted to be alone for the rest of the night. Once again, Emily Fields has ruined my life.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N – I hope you are enjoying the fanfiction! I've decided that this story is going to start out as Paige's coming out story and will follow the story line of the television show. In the show, we didn't really get to see much of her process, so that's what I'm going to write! I will include the scenes that were in the tv show too. Some of the dialogue might be different from the scenes, but it will be basically the same. After her coming out process, I plan to branch off a little in my own direction with her and Emily. Thanks for reading!**

* * *

**knock knock knock**

"Come in."

"Paige honey, it's time for dinner."

"I'm not really that hungry."

"You sure? I made meatloaf and mashed potatoes, your favorite."

Her smile was killing me. I know her choice of what to make for dinner was specifically for me, because she can always tell when I've had a rough day. But I just didn't feel like eating. How could I after what I had done? Even just thinking back on it right now makes me sick to my stomach. "Thank you mom, but I'm really not feeling well. I think I'm just going to call it a night and go to bed."

She looked at me and analyzed my face. She knew there was more to the story, but she took my answer anyways, thankfully.

"Well, alright. I'll go ahead and make you a plate to put in the fridge in case you change your mind." She softly smiles at me one last time before she shuts the door.

I stare at my hands, which are now shaking as if I had been sitting in a tub of ice for the past hour. What is happening to me? I almost drowned Emily Fields. I could have killed her! And over what? The chance to anchor at the swim meet? This isn't me. This isn't me at all. I'm becoming a monster.

I got up out of my bed, then walked down the hall and into the bathroom. I shut the door behind me and leaned over the counter to look at myself closely in the mirror. I didn't know who I was looking at anymore. I didn't know who I wanted to be anymore. No, I knew who I wanted to be. I just couldn't be that person. I wanted to be the Paige McCullers that I thought I was before. _Normal_. My life was normal and now it's all a big mess. Why can't I be a child anymore? Why can't I be naïve anymore? I tried to focus on winning and being the best in hopes of forgetting about my feelings, but I can't forget. And now look where it's gotten me. I've turned into this terrible person. Emily was never the one I hated. _I _was the one I hated. No matter how much I try to hate Emily, I'm still the one that I truly hate. And even after everything I've put her through, she still treats me like her teammate. What am I doing to this poor girl? This isn't the real me. I've got to fix this.

I looked up into my eyes and stared long and hard. "Tomorrow." I said to my reflection as I opened the door and went back to bed.

* * *

_I walked around the locker room to find my teammates, but nobody else was here. It was dark and empty. Where was everyone?_

"_Hello?" I yelled, but the only responses I heard were the echos of my questioning. "Hello? Is anybody in here?"_

_Silence._

"_Guys, this isn't funny! Where is everyone? Practice will be starting soon and Coach is going to be pissed if we're not ready to start on time."_

_I walked out of the locker room and into the pool area. That's when I noticed everyone sitting on the bleachers. They were whispering and snickering. I was a little annoyed. We needed to be focused on swimming, not gossiping. I walked towards them and began to speak._

"_Guys, what are you doing? This is a swim practice, not lunch time. We need to be in the pool!" As I walked closer to everyone, the whispering got softer. Suddenly everyone was looking at me like I had just walked out in a tutu. It was almost like they were whispering about me._

"_What's the matter with you guys? Did you hear what I said? Let's go!"_

_Now I was really getting annoyed. I sighed and began to turn around towards the pool, when one of the girls finally spoke. "We don't want to swim with someone like _you_."_

_I turned around to look at everyone. They were all nodding their heads with looks of disgust in their eyes. Was this because of what I said to Emily? Did they all think that I was a bully now?_

"_What do you mean someone like me?" Usually people would say that with attitude, but this was a sincere question. I really wanted to know. I looked at the girl waiting for a response, but one of the other girls answered instead._

"_You know, someone who constantly makes us feel uncomfortable, always checking us out. Swimming for the other team...if you catch my drift." She narrowed her eyes at me as a smirk began to form on her face. _

_Emily must have told them. Those were the words I said to her yesterday. I dropped my arms and let out a sigh. "Look, guys, if this is about what I said to Emily then I'm sorry. I was just-"_

"_Emily?" Another girl spoke this time. "Who said anything about Emily? This is about _you_ Paige. We know who you really are."_

_I began to panic. They honestly couldn't have known, could they? They were just bluffing. I've never told anyone in my life. Well, Alison knew, but she's dead now. I shifted my weight uncomfortably and hesitated a little before I responded. "I don't know what you guys are talking about. This is who I really am." I said as I motioned my hand down my torso._

"_So, you admit it." The whispering started again. What were these girls playing at? _

"_Admit what?" _

"_Admit that you're one of...those."_

"_One of what?" I was beginning to get mad now. All I wanted to do was swim and these girls were getting in my way. I crossed my arms and waited for a response, but it still didn't prepare me for what was coming next._

"_You know, a _dyke_."_

_My eyes widened and my whole body went numb. I was sure that my face was an unhealthy shade of red. That word. How could something as simple as a word have the ability to physically rip through my heart? I couldn't even respond. My whole body started to shake. Then, everyone started whispering some more, when finally someone said,_

"_So it _is_ true! Paige is a lady lover!" Everyone started laughing. "God, how many times have you seen me change in and out of my swim suit? You're so disgusting!"_

_I stood there, staring. That was all I could do at the time, until I finally found my voice. "N-No? It's not true! It's not, I promise." My voice couldn't have been more unconvincing._

_Everyone started chanting "Paige is a lesbo! Paige is a lesbo!" One of the girls said, "God Paige, you're so gay!" The sound began to fill up the room. It was like there were more voices than people. Everyone saying different things to point out who I so desperately tried not to be. I couldn't take it anymore. I slammed my hands over my ears and ran towards the locker room. As I ran inside, I unexpectedly bumped into a shadowy figure. _

"_Oof!" We both had fallen to the ground. "Hey, watch where you're going!"_

_That voice sounded familiar. I looked up to see who it was. Emily. Then it hit me. Emily! She would understand. She could help me! "Emily! You have to help me!"_

"_Paige?" She slowly stood up and began to wipe the dirt and dust off of her pants. "What's wrong?"_

_I was never this happy to see her in my life. "The other girls found out that I'm gay, and now they're-"_

"_Wait. You're gay?" She looked at me with a confused look on her face. Then it turned to anger. "Have you been flirting with me this whole time? Is that what this whole thing has been about? Are you secretly in love with me or something?"_

_I had no idea what to say. I mean, yes, I did love her. Who wouldn't? She's perfect. But I wasn't ready to tell her that, so instead I said, "What? No." It wasn't much, but it was all I could say. Although my words said no, my tone and my face said yes. She must have noticed, because she was now looking at me with disgust. It was the same look the other girls gave me._

"_You are, aren't you! You're secretly in love with me! God, you probably have some kind of shrine in your closet. Is that why you joined the swim team? To get close to me?" _

_I tried to speak, but I didn't know what to say. I was baffled that all of this was even happening._

"_Paige McCullers, you are such a loser! Leave me alone and stop stalking me, or else I'm going to call the police."_

"_But, Emily..." I stepped toward her, but she took two steps back._

"_Stay away from me you creep!" She shoved past me and walked out of the locker room. _

_All of a sudden the chanting continued and began to grow louder. There were no people people around. Just voices. They were mocking me. I dropped to my knees and covered my ears. This couldn't be happening. I couldn't take this any more._

"_Stop!" I yelled at the top of my lungs, but the voices just got louder. It was as if they were inside my own head._

"_Stop! Please!" I felt like I was about to explode, when suddenly, I heard a loud boom._

I shot up from my bed. My heart was racing at what felt like two-hundred beats per minute. My whole body was shaking and I was drenched in sweat. I struggled to catch my breath as I looked around my familiar room. "It was all just a dream." I said to no one. Out of the corner of my eye I saw a flash of lightning, which was quickly followed by another loud boom. I had never been so thankful for a thunderstorm in my entire life.

I dropped my head back down onto my pillow and took a deep breath. That was such a nightmare. Why would my mind make me go through such a horrible thing like that? I replayed the dream in my head and cringed. It was all so real. Yet, it was my worst nightmare.

I tried to fall back asleep, but my guilty conscience wouldn't let me. I needed to fix this thing with Emily. This could't wait until tomorrow. I needed to apologize to her right now.

I quickly put on my sneakers and ran downstairs. I didn't even bother grabbing a jacket. I was on a mission. I went out to the garage and hopped on my bike, not even bothering to shut the garage door. I rode as fast as I could into the pouring rain, as I headed to Emily's house.


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N – Hello! This chapter is based on the last few scenes from season one episode 16. Please, write me some reviews! I've never written anything before, so I would love to hear any advice from my readers. Thanks!**

* * *

The rain was starting to let up just a little bit. I was still getting drenched, but I could at least see a little bit better. I turned onto Emily's street and quickly approached her house. I remembered which one it was from a party she had hosted for the swim team. I turned into her driveway, hopped off of my bike and dropped it to the ground, all in one swift motion. There was no point in wasting any time trying to prop it up. I ran up to her front porch and prepared to ring the doorbell, when I realized that it was the middle of the night. I didn't want to wake up everyone in the house, so I pulled out my phone and sent her a text.

**Come outside – Paige**

I put my phone back in my pocket and waited. It wasn't until that moment that I realized how cold it was outside. _Dammit, I should have grabbed my jacket. _I thought to myself as I crossed my arms over my chest to give me some warmth. A v-neck and some sweatpants wasn't the best wardrobe option for standing in the pouring rain.

About a minute later, the door opened, revealing a gorgeous Emily wearing a blue shirt and light gray sweatpants.

"Paige?" She had a confused look on her face. "Are you okay?"

I took a few seconds to soak in her beauty before I responded. "No." My tone sounded childlike.

"What happened?"

A sound that was a cross between a laugh and a huff escaped my mouth. Where do I even begin? Here I was, standing on Emily Field's door step in the pouring rain in the middle of the night. I had nothing left to lose, so I just let my heart speak for once instead of my head.

"You have every right to hate me." I fought so hard to hold back the tears that were trying to escape. "I don't even know why I'm here."

She slowly took a step towards me. I could tell she was trying to calm me down, but didn't want to push too hard. "Paige, I don't hate you."

How could she not hate me? After everything I did to her. After everything I put her through. "I would...I do." It was true. I hated myself so much. I spent every night wishing I could be anyone else, and every morning hoping that I would wake up from this nightmare.

She looked at me with worry and slightly shook her head. "Don't say that." She said it as if she truly cared, but how could she care about someone like me? How could anyone? She was being so forgiving, and I didn't deserve it. I didn't deserve her. And she definitely didn't deserve me.

"I'm sorry, Emily." I knew words weren't nearly enough, but they were all I had. "I just wanted you to know that." I looked into her eyes one more time. There were no games, no asking for forgiveness. Just me standing there with an indescribable pain in my heart, and for the first time, no front to cover it. I had let down every guard that I had, and I wanted her to know that. After a few seconds, I turned and ran towards my bike.

"Wait, Paige..." She called after me, but I didn't bother stopping or even turning around. I couldn't look at her anymore. I felt so bare wearing my heart on my chest like that. I grabbed my bike and took off as fast as I could, without ever looking back.

My body felt like a big melting pot of emotions. _When did life become such an uphill battle? Why me? I mean, I know Emily went through it too, but it was easier for her. She was able to come out with no consequences. She even has a beautiful girlfriend. Everyone still loves her...her personality makes it hard for people not to. But _me_? Nobody would love me if they found out. My parents would disown me, Pru would probably never speak to me again, the swim team would shun me for sure, and I would become the laughing-stock of the entire school. It's hard enough for me to find a guy who likes me...imagine how hard it would be to find a girl? Especially_ _after I become the most hated person at Rosewood High. _These thoughts were flooding my head, when suddenly a giant pothole came into my view. I tried to swerve at the last minute, but I wasn't quick enough. My front tire dipped right into the hole and I flew off my bike.

I was lying on the pavement, literally soaking in the rain drops that were falling on my face. _God dammit Paige. You can't even freaking ride a bike anymore!_ I laid there for about a minute before I finally found the strength to get up. _Yep, that's going to hurt in the morning. _I checked my body to make sure there was no real damage. Nothing seemed to be broken or out of place. I winced a little as I felt around my forehead. There was a cut on my left eyebrow, but I could tell by the amount of blood that it wasn't as bad as it could have been. Other than that, a couple of scrapes, and some mild bruising that would probably show up tomorrow, I was still in fairly good shape. I was actually a little disappointed. I wouldn't have minded an excuse to miss the meet tomorrow. I grabbed my handlebars and examined my bike to make sure that it wasn't bent or had any flat tires. It looked the same as it had ten minutes ago, so I got back on and rode the rest of the way home. I could already tell that sleep was not going to come easily, if at all, tonight.

As soon as I got home I got in my bed and laid down. I was physically exhausted, but mentally I was wide awake. I couldn't even close my eyes. I just stared at the ceiling as I replayed my conversation with Emily over and over again. A few minutes later, I heard my phone buzz on the nightstand next to me. At first I thought it was a text or a Facebook notification, but then it buzzed again. I looked over and saw that Emily was calling. I stared at it until the name went away, then looked back at the ceiling. She was the last person I wanted to talk to right now. Not because of her, but because of me. My phone started buzzing again, so I hit the ignore button and put my phone on silent. Even if I had wanted to talk to her, I had no idea what to say. I rolled over and closed me eyes. After what seemed like hours, I slowly began to drift off to sleep.

* * *

The next morning I woke up with more stiffness in my body than my dead hamster. I felt absolutely horrible. There were major bruises on my elbow and my tailbone. My head was throbbing, and my wrist was a little sore. The last thing I wanted to do was swim. Partially because of the injuries, but mostly because I just didn't want to swim. I couldn't enjoy it anymore. Swimming used to be something that I loved to do, but now it's become something that I have to do. My parents expect so much from me, especially my dad. All he ever talks about is swimming and how I need to do better if we want to win. _We._ Like he's somehow the one putting in the effort. "Well, I don't want to win anymore." I said out loud as if I were talking to my dad. This need to win, and therefore _swimming_, has turned me into something I never wanted to be. My alarm went off a couple of minutes later, like always, so I leaned over and hit the off button. I got up and did my usual morning routine. Only, this time I didn't really feel like eating breakfast, so I just grabbed an apple and went out the door.

I decided to walk to school today so that I could clear my head. We were supposed to have our swim off this morning, but I was in no condition to compete, nor did I want to. Especially since Emily was supposed to be my competition. After much debating, I finally decided to talk to Coach Fulton. As soon as I got to school, I walked over to her office. Her door was open, so I just poked my head around the corner.

"Coach?" She looked a little surprised at first, then her face softened.

"Hello Paige, come in. Are you ready for the swim off this morning?"

"Actually, that's what I wanted to talk to you about." She looked at me a little confused as she waited for me to continue. "Well, yesterday I went for a ride on my bike, and I completely wiped out. I hit my head and I have major bruises." I moved my bangs to show her the cut on my forehead and her eyes widened. I could tell she was starting to worry, so I quickly assured her. "I'm okay. It wasn't nearly as bad as it could have been, but I was wondering if it's okay if I miss the meet today. My whole body aches and I don't really want to push it." She looked a little disappointed, but I could also tell that she agreed.

"Yes Paige, of course that's okay. I don't want you to push too hard either. We have an entire season ahead of us. I don't want you to blow yourself out because of one meet." My whole body relaxed as a feeling of relief washed over me.

"Thank you Coach." She smiled at me and then responded.

"Take it easy today, and get plenty of rest."

I thanked her and walked out the door, hoping that I wouldn't bump into any of the other girls.

* * *

School was a blur. Instead of pretending to be eager about learning, like I usually do, I was just going through the motions. I didn't pay attention to anything my teachers were saying. Instead, I was constantly thinking about Emily and how terrible I felt. I had no idea what I was going to say to her, and I knew she was going to ask me a bunch of questions.

After school I went outside to sit at one of the tables. I knew the meet was starting in a couple of minutes, but I just sat there debating whether or not to go. Going home and avoiding Emily was definitely the easier route, but I felt like I should at least go to support my team, even though I didn't feel like a part of the team anymore. I felt like an outsider. But, despite that, I just couldn't go home. I wanted to, but I just couldn't. I looked at my phone. The meet was starting. I put my phone up and sat there, still unsure of what to do.

Finally, after much time had passed, I decided to go support my team. I walked into the natatorium and heard the crowd cheering. There was a seat in the front row, so I walked past the announcers and sat down. I was a little nervous about being there. It felt weird sitting in the stands instead of swimming. I watched Emily as I saw her take off her jacket to prepare for her turn. She set it down on the bench behind her and started to get onto the starting block. As she was stepping up, she glanced over at me. I felt a numb feeling wash over me as we made eye contact. I gave her an awkward nod and took a deep breath. I could tell she was more nervous than me.

Noelle, who was currently swimming, was now just a few feet away from the wall. Emily put on her goggles and bent over as she prepared for the dive. A few seconds later, Emily immediately jumped in the water as far as she could. The crown got louder as they cheered for her. She was just a few feet behind the girl in the lead. She reached the wall and flip turned. She was quickly closing in on the lead. _Damn that girl can swim. _She flew past the girl and finished in first place. I couldn't believe what had just happened. That must have been a record time! I stood up and clapped with the rest of the crowd. She took of her goggles and cap, then gave one of our teammates a hug. As she grabbed her towel to wipe her face, she turned around to look at me with her gorgeous smile. I smiled back and gave her a congratulating nod. She turned back around and hugged the rest of the team. I went over and congratulated everyone on their swimming. Coach saw me and smiled, then said,

"Can't wait to have you back Paige. Make sure you take care of yourself, and no more accidents." I could tell that she was only half kidding.

"Yes, coach." I smiled back. I continued to give out hugs to everyone except Emily. Luckily, she was talking to her friends, so I could avoid talking to her for just a little bit longer.

After a while, everyone had left the natatorium, making it completely empty. I walked over to the pool and sat down, rolling my pants up to put my feet in. Even though I only had my feet in the pool, it felt good being in the water. I forgot what it felt like to actually be in the pool. I'm always so focused on being the best that I never get the chance to actually take in the feeling. I heard someone walk up behind me, but I didn't bother turning around. I knew it was Emily.

"You okay?"

I opened my mouth, then quickly closed it. I was going to answer with the usual 'yes', but then I realized that it would be a lie. She continued.

"You didn't return any of my calls."

I swallowed, then answered. "I'm fine." I touched my eyebrow right where my cut was and huffed. "It's nothing." I thought about what to say next. I turned around and looked right into her eyes. "I didn't know what to say." Then I looked back at the pool. "I was riding home on my bike and totally wiped out." I inhaled through my mouth, still looking forward, and waited for her to respond.

"What were you thinking about?"

I didn't even need to think about my answer. "How easy things would be _if _I wiped out." I thought for a second, then continued. "I'm kinda done with swimming." I wasn't sure if I really had the heart to quit, but that's what I felt like doing at the time.

"Yeah, I used to feel that way."

"Obviously you got over it." I waited for her response, then looked at her again. "How did you get over it?" At this point, the conversation had a double meaning. Obviously she didn't know it at the time, but I was talking about being gay.

"I started swimming for myself. I quit trying to be better than everyone on the team and I just...relaxed."

I nodded, facing the pool. "Sounds fun." Then I stood up and walked past her.

"When was the last time you swam for fun?" I heard her say. I slowly turned around and looked at her with my hands in my pockets. She looked at me and smiled, then looked at the pool. I knew what she was implying, so I smiled back. We looked at each other for a few seconds, then I spoke. "Let me go put on my suit." Her smile turned into a grin, and I walked off towards the locker rooms.

A few minutes later, I returned and saw her sitting on the edge of the pool, much like I was before. She heard me walking towards her and turned around. "Ready?" She said with a smile.

"Ready." I said as I stood next to her. She turned back to face the pool and put on her cap and goggles. I did the same. Then, we simultaneously jumped in the pool. We didn't even get on the starting blocks. That would have defeated the purpose. This, was swimming for fun. And it felt amazing. There we were, side by side, just swimming. No competition, no need to win. Just swimming. For the first time in a long time, I felt the sensation of being surrounded by the water. It felt so good. We got to the end of our second lap, and instead of stopping, I turned around again. I never wanted this to end. I finally felt like myself again. I finally felt free. No worries, no stress, no fears. Just...me, doing what I loved to do. And nobody could take that away from me.


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: This chapter includes a couple of scenes from Season 1 episode 17. As always, thank you for reading!**

* * *

As soon as I got home I threw myself onto my bed and let out a huge sigh. _Today was the best day ever._ I felt my phone buzz in my pocket, so I took it out and unlocked the screen. It was a text from Emily.

**I had fun swimming with you today!**

My smile turned into a grin. I stared at the message for a few minutes taking in every word until I finally responded.

**I had fun too :) Thank you.**

**You're welcome :)**

I closed my phone and put it back in my pocket. How could a moment so small make life feel so good? I rolled off of my bed and walked over to my book bag. I figured I might as well start on my homework since I was in such a good mood. I pulled out my English book and sat at my desk. About twenty minutes later I heard a car door shut outside. I figured it was my mom, since my dad had a meeting with the library board at 4:30. I looked at my phone and saw that it was 5:45. He shouldn't be too far behind her. I heard my mom shuffling around downstairs.

"Paige, dinner! I got Chinese takeout!"

"Alright, I'll be down in a minute." Luckily I didn't have to repeat myself, like I usually do when we're having a conversation from different floors of the house. I closed my book and went downstairs. I didn't realize how hungry I was until the aroma had reached me. I followed the smell and saw my mom setting the table.

"Shouldn't we wait for dad?" I asked.

"He called me a few minutes ago and said he was about ten minutes away. He should be here any minute now." As soon as she finished her sentence the front door swung open. "Speak of the Devil!" she said as she continued to set the table.

"No speaking of the Devil in this house!" He said with a playful smile. "How are my two favorite ladies?"

"I don't know about mom, but I'm starving. Good thing you got here when you did. We were about to start without you."

"Well, I don't blame you. Dinner smells great! Seems like your mom's been working on her cooking skills." He said with a wink as he nudged my arm.

"I heard that..." She said from the kitchen.

We both chuckled and sat down at the table. Anything other than serious conversations rarely occurred in this family, so this was a nice change of mood. We sat down at the table and habitually held hands as we prepared to say grace.

"Dear Father in Heaven, thank you so much for the wonderful life you have given us. We are so thankful for the food, water, and shelter that you have blessed us with every day. We thank you for teaching us to trust your word without compromise, and for leading us on the path of righteousness..."

It was moments like these where I wish we weren't the kind of family who gave speeches before every meal. All I could think about at this point was the pain in my stomach, and the smell of chow mein.

"...we ask that you continue to bless this family and to forgive us for our sins. In his name we pray, amen.

I snatched my hands away and immediately reached for the closest take out box within my reach and started dumping food on my plate.

"Paige, don't forget that manners still apply, even here."

"Sorry, mom. I'm starving and it just smells so good."

"Must be from all of that swimming you did today." My dad said with a smile.

I froze and stared at him. I had completely forgotten about the meet. How was I supposed to tell him that I didn't compete? Having to tell him never even crossed my mind...until now.

"Sorry we couldn't make it to the meet. With work and that library board meeting I had, there was no way I would have been able to make it on time."

"It's okay dad. It's not that big of a deal." I shoved some chicken into my mouth as I tried to avoid eye contact.

"How did you girls do? Did you win? You must have with you as the anchor." He continued putting food on his plate.

I felt a pain in my stomach. Only this time, it wasn't from hunger. It was from nerves. As much as I wanted to say what he wanted to hear, the last thing I wanted was for him to find out that I had lied to him...which would have been the more likely case. I looked down at my plate as I pretended to inspect a piece of chicken. I swallowed hard and finally responded.

"Actually dad, we won. But it wasn't because of me, it was because of Emily." Even though I wasn't looking at him, I could feel his eyes wandering all over my face.

"Emily?"

"Yeah. She, uh, anchored." I could feel his eyes burning my skin.

"Why didn't _you_ anchor?"

I swallowed hard and took a deep breath. "I didn't swim today. I fell off of my bike and felt really sore. I even bumped my head. See." I pushed my bangs out of the way and showed them the cut on my eyebrow. I saw my mom's eyes widen as she leaned towards me.

"Goodness, Paige. When did this happen? Why didn't you tell us?" She grabbed my face to examine the cut, but I pushed her away.

"It happened...uh, earlier today. On my way to school. And it's not that big of a deal." I didn't want to tell them that I had gone out in the middle of the night, because then I would have to explain why. And telling my parents that I went out past midnight in the pouring rain to apologize to the girl I had a huge crush on for trying to drown her wasn't exactly on my to do list.

"If it's not that big of a deal, then why didn't you swim?" My dad said. His voice sounded more agitated than curious.

"Because my body was sore from the fall. I didn't think I could do my best and I didn't want to ruin the team's chances of swimming."

He put his fork down and sighed. "Paige, you can't do things like that. Now you've let someone else take your spot. That should have been you winning the relay, not Emily Fields. I'm very disappointed in you Paige."

"Dad, Emily was already chosen to anchor. They didn't really need me anyways..." The pain in my stomach grew as I realized that I had just opened a whole new can of worms.

His eyes widened. "Why did the coach choose Emily to anchor instead of you?"

"Well, she thought that we should have a swim off to see who should anchor, and we tied. I wasn't able to do the second swim off this morning because I was really sore from the fall that had happened a few minutes before..."

He looked away with a confused facial expression. Then he looked back at me. "Why did the coach want to have a swim off in the first place? You're always the anchor. Did Emily complain to her about it or something?"

I hesitated for a few seconds as I tried to figure out what to say. I didn't want my dad to be mad at Emily, especially since she didn't do anything.

"Well?" He said, staring at me.

"No dad, _I_ asked to have a swim off."

He looked even more confused. "You asked to have a swim off for anchor...even though you were already anchor? Paige, that doesn't make sense."

Even though I was telling the truth, there were holes in my story, and he knew it. He always knew when I wasn't telling him everything. I sighed as I looked down at my plate. "I wasn't. Emily was." I mumbled. I could tell he was getting angry and annoyed.

"What? What do you mean Emily was?"

"I went to look at the lineup online and I saw that Emily was listed as anchor. I went to talk to Coach and asked if it was a mistake, and she said that she thought Emily should anchor. I said it wasn't fair to switch anchors last minute and asked to have a swim off so we could fairly decide who should anchor."

He had fire in his eyes. That good feeling that I had earlier was now gone.

"What did this girl do to get the coach to make her anchor? Did she bribe her? Did she go to her with some kind of sob story about how her grandmother's dying wish was to see her take all the glory?"

"Dad..."

"No. This girl is getting special treatment, and I want to know why." He looked at me waiting for an answer.

"I don't know why." My voice was really soft.

"Well, I'm going to find out. I'm not going to let this girl take something from you that she doesn't deserve."

"Oh Nick, calm down." The sound of my mom's voice had startled me. I had almost forgotten that she was there.

"Can't you see what's happening here? This girl is playing childish games at the expense of our daughter's swimming career. And the coach is giving into it. Everyone else might let it slide, but I won't. I'm calling the coach and talking to her first thing tomorrow."

Neither my mom nor I responded. We both knew that there was no way to change his mind. Everything had gone from enjoyable to tense and silent. I took a few more bites of my food and went upstairs to my room without saying a word. I wasn't giving my dad the silent treatment or anything. I just didn't know what else to say.

I closed my door and started pacing around the room. My hands were shaking and it was getting hard to breathe. _What is he going to say to her? What if he finds out about Coach calling me into the locker room for what I said to Emily? What if he finds out that she's gay and doesn't want want us hanging out? _I took a deep breath and closed my eyes as I sat down at my desk. I opened my eyes and stared at my homework that was still out from before. I picked up my pencil and started writing where I had left off, hoping it would take my mind off of everything for a little while. But of course, it didn't. All I could think about was the great time I had with Emily, and my dad messing it all up by talking to Coach. I know it was supposed to be the other way around, but somehow that good feeling made that bad feeling feel even worse. I pulled out my phone to text her. I wanted to talk to her, just for the sake of talking to her. I started typing, but quickly deleted it and shut my phone. Maybe that would have been too weird. It's not like we were best friends or anything. We were just teammates who swam a few laps together. I picked up my pencil again and tried to focus.

After about an hour, I closed my books and went to get ready for bed. I got under the covers and turned off my lamp. I was so nervous about the conversation that was going to happen between my dad and the coach. I just knew that something bad was going to happen. I could feel it.

* * *

I heard my alarm go off, so I rolled over and hit the snooze button. I rolled back into the comfortable position I was in and shut my eyes. I started thinking about yesterday and smiled. _Emily. _Then my train of thought led to dinner and what my dad said about talking to Coach Fulton first thing today. My eyes shot open and I jumped out of bed. I rushed over to my window and looked out at the driveway. Both cars were gone. My parents had already left for work, meaning he either talked to the coach before he left and I missed it, or he was talking to her on the way to work and I was missing it. Either way, my plan to listen in on the conversation was never going to happen. My alarm went off again causing me to jump. I walked over and slammed the off button with my fist. I stood there for a few minutes thinking about all of the worst case scenarios. I rubbed my face with my hands and then walked to the bathroom to get ready for school.

* * *

I was jittery all day. I was so nervous and worried about my dad blowing up at the coach. I just hoped that he didn't find out about Emily, because if he did, he would definitely make a big deal about it. Not only that, but I was afraid that he would say or do something that would get me kicked off of the team. Or worse, take me off of the team himself, and then transfer me to another school with a "better" swim team.

"Paige!"

"Huh?" The voice had startled me. The class started to chuckle.

"Do you know the answer?"

I stared at my teacher. I had no idea what we were talking about. It took me a few seconds to even remember what class I was in. I looked around the room to see if anyone or anything could help me, but everyone just stared at me. I looked back at my teacher.

"Well?" She said.

"I- I don't know. Sorry..." My sentence trailed off as I sunk further into my chair.

She sighed and shook her head. "Does anybody know the answer?" Almost everyone had raised their hand, making me even more embarrassed.

"Yes, how about you Sean."

"The answer is undefined."

"Mhm, why?"

"Because you can't divide by zero, even though the numerator is also zero."

"Very good Sean, that is correct."

**Bell rings**

"Alright class, don't forget for homework you have pages sixty-two and sixty-three, odd numbers only. Enjoy the rest of your day."

I stood up, grabbed my bag and slung it over my shoulder.

"Paige, can I see you for a minute?"

I walked over to my teacher as she leaned on the front of her desk and crossed her arms.

"Is everything okay Paige? You've been very distant lately."

"Yeah, everything is okay Mrs. Mathison." I always thought it was funny that my math teacher's last name was Mathison.

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, I'm sure. I've just been a little tired lately. You know, with swimming and stuff..."

She looked at me and squinted, as if she were trying to read me. But I knew that she knew there was something more going on. She was one of those teachers who had a built-in bullshit detector. She relaxed her facial muscles and softened her eyes.

"Paige, you know you can talk to me if you need anything. We're all here for you."

"I know. I will if I need to. Thank you." I smiled at her for a few seconds, then walked out the door.

I felt my phone vibrate, so I opened it up and saw that it was from Pru.

**Where are you? I already got my food. I'm sitting here waiting for you.**

**Sorry, Mrs. Mathison wanted to ask me a question after class. I'll be there in a few minutes. Go ahead and start without me.**

I shoved my phone in my pocket and headed towards my locker. I threw my Math book in my locker and grabbed my History book. I shut the door and put my book in my bag as I headed towards the cafeteria.

I went through the line to get my food. It didn't take long since everyone had already gotten their food. As I got to the end I grabbed my drink and went to the cashier.

"That'll be three dollars."

I took out my wallet and handed her three one-dollar bills. "Here you go."

"Thank you." She said as she put the money in the cash register. "Have a good day." She smiled.

"Thanks, you too." I smiled back at her as I grabbed my tray and went to find Pru. Just then, I heard a very loud, all-too-familiar voice.

"I'm looking for Coach Fulton."

I looked over and saw my dad heading towards the faculty table. I stopped. No. This couldn't be happening. Not now. Not here.

"Is the coach expecting you?" Said Ezra Fitz, who was sitting at the table with a few other English teachers.

"The coach is avoiding me. That's what the coach is doing." I just stood there, watching. I didn't want to move in fear of my dad seeing me. The only thing that could make this situation worse was for him to physically drag me into it.

Mr. Fitz stood up. "Are you a parent?" Almost everyone was listening at this point. I looked over and saw Emily sitting there with her friends. They were all watching. _Fuck_. I knew where this conversation was going, and Emily was the last person I wanted to hear it.

"Yes I'm a parent. Nick McCullers. My daughter is Paige McCullers." Emily looked behind her and saw me standing there. I quickly looked away. Great. Now she knows I'm here too.

"I have your daughter in English Comp. I'm Ezra Fitz." He put out his hand to shake my dad's, but my dad just stood there looking at him.

"The Coach."

"Tell you what, why don't we walk down to the principal's office and see if we can't find Coach Fulton."

"I've seen the principal. And all I got was a lot of politically correct double talk about the agenda in this place that's penalizing my daughter, taking opportunities away from her and giving them to someone who doesn't deserve them." I closed my eyes and ducked my head. I knew exactly what he was talking about. Everyone did. I knew he would blow up if he found out, but I never expected it to be here, in the cafeteria, where everyone was eating, including Emily. I looked over at her and saw that Hanna was touching her arm. I knew she was completely hurt, and embarrassed.

"Everybody gets a fair chance here Mr. McCullers, we go out of our way to make sure that _that's _how it works."

"My girl is the best swimmer on that team, and you can't just give it to somebody just because..." Thankfully, Mr. Fitz cut him off.

"You're in a cafeteria, Mr. McCullers, filled with kids, trying to have lunch..." I started walking towards the door. I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't listen to this conversation. And I sure as hell didn't want to be standing there in plain view when he finished. A few people were staring at me. I wasn't sure if it was because I was the daughter of the maniac that was screaming in the middle of the cafeteria, or because I was the only one who dared to even move. Either way, I didn't stick around to find out. I set my lunch on a random table and walked out of the door and into the closest bathroom. I went into a stall and locked the door. I was so angry, and upset, and embarrassed all at the same time. How could he do that? What the hell was wrong with him? He just went all Rambo in the middle of my lunch period over a freaking _swim meet._ It must have been a dream. This was all too ridiculous, even for him. Just then my phone buzzed.

**Paige, where are you? Are you aware that your dad just called Emily out for being gay in front of the whole school?**

If Pru understood what he was talking about, then I'm pretty sure everyone did. His euphemisms weren't exactly all that effective.

**I heard the whole thing. I'm in the bathroom. I don't really feel like eating.**

I waited for her response, but never got one. A few minutes later, I heard the bathroom door open.

"Paige? Are you in here?"

I sighed and opened the door. She looked at me and stared. She didn't know what to say.

"My dad is a fucking lunatic." I shoved past her and went to the bathroom sink. "I can't believe he said that. And in front of practically the entire school."

"I know. Mr. Fitz led him out before it got worse. Now everyone is in there talking about it."

I put my head in my hands. "God. My life is over."

She walked over to me and put her hand on my back to comfort me. "What was all of that about exactly?"

I looked up at her and sighed. "I told him that Coach picked Emily for anchor and he went all ballistic. I guess he somehow found out that she was gay, and figured that was the reason why."

"God. Poor Emily. I feel so bad for her."

"I know. I feel terrible. I have to tell her that I had nothing to do with it."

"I doubt she thinks you had anything to do with it, Paige."

"No, I'm sure she does. We weren't exactly on the best of terms before."

"Why not? Emily is super sweet. I can't imagine her doing anything to make you dislike her..."

"I know. It was kind of the other way around."

She looked at me with a confused look on her face. "You did something to her? What did you do?"

I looked at her and sighed. "I don't want to say, because I'm trying to forget about it. Just know that it was bad." She looked at me, still confused. I looked down at the sink and continued. "I don't mean to be rude or anything, but I just want to be alone right now."

She looked at me trying to make eye contact, but I never looked at her. I knew she was worried about me.

"Okay. Well, I guess I'll just see you tomorrow then." She said.

I nodded, still staring at the sink. She stared at me for a few seconds, then walked out the door. I stood there for a few minutes, staring at myself in the mirror. Tears began to form in my eyes. Suddenly, a couple of girls walked in talking about something random. I quickly washed my hands like I was there for the sole purpose of using the bathroom. I shook the water off and walked out as quickly as I could with my head held high. I didn't want anyone to see me upset. I heard the bell ring and started walking towards my class. As I was walking down the hallway, I noticed Emily at her locker. I took a deep breath and walked up to her. She closed her locker door and turned and faced me. I was surprised I didn't startle her, but then again she was probably too pissed to be startled. I immediately started talking.

"Listen, I didn't know my dad was coming." She rolled her eyes at me, but I quickly continued. "He wanted to know how somebody could beat me. He wanted to know if I slacked off, but I didn't. You know I didn't. I told him we tied, but you got the slot."

"Because I'm gay?" She said, clearly upset.

"No! I didn't say anything. He must have asked around, but I didn't tell him. I swear." She didn't look like she believed me at all.

"I have to go to class." She said as she walked passed me, just as upset as she was before, if not more. I closed my eyes. I wanted to cry so badly, but not here. I opened my eyes again and swallowed as I walked towards my classroom.

* * *

_**-Later that evening-**_

**Knock Knock**

"It's open."

"Hey."

I looked up and saw my dad standing in the doorway. I looked back down at my book without saying anything.

"Look, I know I probably embarrassed you today, but it had to be done. I needed to talk to the coach and she was clearly avoiding me. I needed to find someone who would help me."

"Needed to talk to the coach about what, dad?"

"About giving that Fields girl special treatment for...you know..."

"No dad, I don't."

"For being a homosexual, Paige. The school is clearly trying to made her the poster child of the team so that they can show everyone that the school is non-discriminatory. It's affecting the other students, and more importantly, you."

"It seems like it's affecting _you_ more than me."

"Paige, that girl has serious problems. And I am not going to let the school parade them around and throw you in her shadow."

"Problems? Dad, Emily doesn't have any problems. You're the one who screamed at Mr. Fitz in the middle of the cafeteria."

He sighed. "I know it wasn't the best thing to do, but I needed to talk to the coach, and she was avoiding me. Nobody would help me and it was obvious that everyone at that school is ignoring the real problem here."

"Well, I don't see any problems other than you bombarding the whole school with your homophobic comments." He stared at me and furrowed his brow.

"I'm not _homophobic_, Paige." He said the word "homophobic" as if it didn't exist. "I actually feel sorry for that poor girl. And I feel even more sorry for her family. It must be devastating knowing that your child is on such a destructive path."

I felt a sharp pain in my chest as I looked at him. He was just standing there, staring at the floor, shaking his head.

"Well, I don't see anything wrong with it. You can't change who you are."

I could tell by the look on his face that my comment was unexpected.

"Who you are? I know you are currently growing up in a world that is more open and accepting of ludicrous experiments and ideas, but don't lose sight of the truth Paige. Homosexuality is wrong. It's not something that people _are_, it's something that people _do. _More specifically, something that people do for attention. It is shameful and disgusting. I know your mother and I raised you better than that." He turned around and walked out of my room.

I knew he was talking about Emily, but I couldn't help but feel like those words were aimed towards me. I got up from my bed and slammed the door shut. I leaned my back against the door as I closed my eyes and began to cry. I covered my face and slid down to the ground until I was sitting on the floor with my knees to my chest. I just sat there sobbing, trying to make myself as small and compact as possible. After a couple of minutes, I looked up at my dresser and wiped my face with my hands. I stood up and walked over towards it. I opened my sock drawer and dug through it until I found what I was searching for. My pocket knife. I pulled it out and opened the blade. I stared at it for a while, stuck in a moment between wanting so badly to do something, and knowing that I would regret it later. I threw it back in the drawer and slammed the dresser shut as I let out a sigh. _You don't need that anymore._ _You're better than that. _I reached out and touched my right thigh, then closed my eyes. I ran my hands through my hair and just stood there for a few minutes with my hands behind my head and my eyes shut tight. I was trying to get of all negative thoughts I had in my head. I opened my eyes and went back over to my bed where I continued doing my math homework.


End file.
